the sad tuesday

it was a horrible Tuesday for me.

i get accused everytime for things i did not do/ not within my control. today tt arrogant guy flare up n scolded me like there's no tmr. he assumed tt i did not cor to check (wen i did) and assumed tt everythg i said to him were not correct information. wth.

because of all de emotions bottled up in me, i brokedown unexpectedly. i cried in front of my colleagues. who cares bout face at tt pt in time. i didnt ask my tears to flow, it jus did uncontrollably. it jus reminded me of the times at scb, hell experience equivalent. i tink i shocked everyone wif my tears. i felt so disgraceful. i cant even stand up for myself. no matter how angry i am, i cant possibly insist tt im right? cos tt guy is an ultra ego guy, and he is the one who writes my appraisal. how?! i dun wan to b backlisted like one of my colleague :/

exams are coming. i studied halfway, and just cried. im not sad bcos of exams, its the stress inside me. monday while tokin to my boy, him askin me how am i, i just brokedown and cry again. am i speechless or am i jus feelin lost? i dunno. the fear of failing exams, not doing well, its frightening me i guess.

one nite overheard wad my mum said, it sorta jus demoralise me (again). she told my sis tt she's waitin for her to sponsor her to xxx country for holiday. she prolly tout she cant rely on this spendthrift daughter of hers. i felt v unappreciated. no matter wad i do, it doesnt pls her. the heart hurts. i dun hav to save for her trip anymore.

at times, sucidal thoughts come into my mind. i dun seem to satisfy anyone, no one seems happy wif me. the worst happens wen even my boy isnt happy wif me. it makes me feel as if the whole world are filled wif aliens and im all alone to cope wif all this shits. i hate myself.

i try to forgive n forget. but wenever such unfair treatment comes along, it makes me doubt my presence at home. wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, study, sleep. the only consolation factor is prolly stayin over at my boy's plc over de wkend. at least i dun hav to face home 7 days a wk.

how well do they know their daughter? *cries*

-I miss you very much dear. Take care while you're outfield.. *Lost in thoughts*-